Welcome To My Silly Life

I'm feeling...socially confrontational today. I would very much enjoy the presence of other individuals but feel I would be fairly antagonistic. I am unsure why. Perhaps it is my complete disappointment and lack of faith in people. The fact that basically all my friends have abandoned me and left me alone doesn't exactly help. It has occured to me, over the weekend of being pretty much alone, that if it wasn't for Jordan I would be alone. I would have Erin for fleeting entertainment but I would actually be alone. My friends did not take me up on my offer to do things this weekend. I am not even sure why I even attempt to do so anymore. I don't know if this is because of Steve and I not being friends anymore...or if it is something else. I seriously considered de-friending Steve from facebook today, but since I still want to be friends with his mom, I figured it might make it ackward for her if I did so. Although, she may not even notice....hell, HE may not even notice.

I'm going to admit, i'm bitter. I'm angry, frustrated and hurt. I just do not understand why it is so HARD for people to make an effort to stay in the lives of people they say they care about?! I make diligent efforts to call, text, message, and e-mail my friends. Because of my sheer disappointment in people, I am losing my want to dance or be social at all. I dont even want to go t the brink anymore because I dont feel like I belong there either. I MISS my friends. I MISS being part of a group where you actually felt loved and appreciated. The last time I felt like that was when I was at John's fire and went out to the bar with Ben, Steve and Derek. Where Ben actually said he appreciated me....that was the last time I felt like I belonged somewhere. But that is gone now....there is no Steve...there is no Ben really. I saw Ben at target the other day and I looked at him and just wanted to hug him because I miss the way everything used to be.

I'll be honest, i'm struggling. My life is in limbo; a shift. Everything is changing and i've given up on hoping that it will go the way I think it will. Everyone thinks i'm crazy for wanting to go back to school, for wanting to pick up and move across the damn country to Rhode Island. Did anyone ever think that I want to do that because I want to get away from here where everything is falling apart? That I could use a new start? That I could start over in a place where friend groups are available and easy to access....That I could actually work towards a career I enjoy and would be amazing at?

No...all anyone sees is that I want to leave the place I have established myself. All they have is objections. What about the condo? what about your job? What about the dogs? What about EVERYTHING!!! They don't see that i'm drowning...i'm not happy here anymore. Why can't anyone just SEE me? I'm always offering my help and friendship to people and they just throw it away like it's a piece of old food. Noone respects anyone anymore. Why is that? Why do people take others for granted like they are just going to be there forever? Why don't we lean on each other more and appreciate the friendships we have? All we do is block people out because we are afraid of getting hurt or not getting what we want. How much more selfish can we be?

And this has nothing to do (for once) with me not liking myself. You know what?! I love myself. I'm funny in a wierd way. I'm far too thoughtful and sweet for my own good. I like that i'm a perfectionist (although it can become problematic). I like that i'm organized. I like that I care so much about people and that I like to help people. I believe that my careing heart is a magnificient quality (although it does leave me out there for a lot of hurt). I LOVE that I LOVE holiday lights and music. I love that i'm ackward and trip and fall all the time because of my pidgeon toes. I'm truthful to a ridiculous standard and that's ok. I'm ok with myself, this is about the fact that people take advantage of things about me and I get hurt in the process. I'm tired of people taking advantage of others!!

All i'm asking for is to be respected and appreciation the way we all should be. I try my hardest to give that appreciation and respect to everyone.I'm not going to say i'm successful all the time, but I TRY! which is more than I can say for most. I don't think it is too much to ask to receive what I give....

But none of this ranting matters, because noone is going to see it. Nor is anyone going to care about it if they do. Nothing is going to change. And i'm exhausted from trying to make a difference.

This song somehow says just about everything that I have been trying to work through in my head today. Youtube'ing it is better because you get the awsome beat.

Sad Songs- Matt Nathanson

I've been waiting up for you to rescue me,
To come around and cover everything.
I'm relying on my best memory,
To breathe for me, breathe for me...

So much better than all this, all this..

Tired of singing sad songs in my head,
But I can't find enough of anything to drown out what you said.

And I can still smell summer on your skin,
And I can still remember giving in.
Wrapped all up in your hips, and in your sheets,
It felt great falling, falling..

So much better than all this, all this..
Tired of singing sad songs in my head,
But I can't find enough of anything to drown out what you said.
And sometimes I find I catch myself letting you back in,
I'm so tired of singing the sad songs in my head.

I feel so faded, so far gone..
Nothing surprises me anymore..
So faded, so far gone...
Nothing surprises me anymore..

So much better than all this, all this..
Tired of singing sad songs in my head,
But I can't find enough of anything to drown out what you said.
And sometimes I find I catch myself letting you back in,
I'm so tired of singing the sad songs in my head.

Sad songs in my head...

It will be one week tomorrow that I gave the ultimateum...still no response. But i'm getting this squirmy feeling in my chest like something is about to happen. I dont know what but it's going to.

...maybe it's just the anxiety. I fleetingly question myself and if I did the right thing. And then I find myself correcting that train of thought. I did this for me. I can do this. Be strong. It will be ok even if it doesn't turn out like I want.

I'm hungry to the point I have a headache...I should eat something.

This sucks. I need to go clean something to keep my mind busy.
God, I wish you would just talk to me.

**********************************************
This will be my only lifetime as the person I am today. I will only pass through this day once. What I do with this day I will only be able to do once. If I waste the entire day, it will be a day wasted; if I walk blindly through it, it will be a day unseen; if I hate it, dread it or wish it away, it will be recorded in my brain as a terrible day. In any case, I will never have this day back to do over again. How I conduct myself in it will be all that I have to carry away with me; how the way that the moment transpires will be what is written into the diary of my personal experience, the diary contained within my mind.
**********************************************
I'm not trying to ruin your 'great' day or anything, but for me I have to get this out. It's not easy but I have to. I know that you probably won't see me in person for this so here it goes....

You say you want to be my friend and to stay in my life, and i'm thankful for every moment that i've gotten. I know that I haven't always treated you fair, that i've given mixed signals and have been confused, but regardless I feel like i've put in a good effort to maintain my presence in your life in a positive way and to help you in any way that I can. But after this weekend i'm officially done. I cannot be apart of someone's life, who says they love me and that i'm 'the one', who won't actively show up in my life. I cannot be apart of someone's life who won't talk to me, who won't open up to me.

You wanted me to listen to 'better half of me' and you want me to see that part of you. I can't see that part of you if you can't open up...take a chance and let me in. I can't force that out of you. Until you can do that with anyone, you won't ever have a successful romantic relationship. I'm not saying that to be mean or hurtful but it's the truth. Maybe your not as ready as you think you are for a serious relationship, I don't know. All I know, is that for my self preservation, I can't do this anymore. I need more from you if i'm even going to remain in your life as a friend. I so desperately want to know whats in your head, what goes on with your emotions and thoughts. I wish SO much that I could connect with that part of you, and you just won't let me. I've done everything I can to let you into my life, my head, and my heart.

I can't, for my own emotional health, be left out in the dark anymore. I can't be left hanging and disregarded like you did this weekend. Ben and the others follow whatever it is you do when it comes to me. You set the standard. If you don't show, they don't show. If you disregard me, they do too. I can't be part of a friend group that treats me that way. Until you are ready to let me in, and I mean all the way, and treat me the way I deserve as your FRIEND, I can't be in your life. It's too hard. It simply hurts too much.

I take full responsibility for my actions of late. The flirting and mixed signals. I'm sorry for the inappropriateness of it all.[for those reading this, no I didn't cheat on Jordan] It's hard for me to separate a line because you are like a magnet to me...I can't just not do those things. I want to do and experience so much with you and I try as hard as I can to be appropriate but sometimes I just can't. And I keep hoping that if I stick around long enough and show you that i'm still here and my heart is open that something will change. That somehow you will show me that you can let me in, that we can be different. But it's not happening and its hurting us both.

I'm with Jordan because he opens up to me, he talks to me, he lets me in. He gives his all to everything even if it's the wrong way. He and I have worked so hard to establish that kind of intimacy. You want me to leave him and come back to you. That you could do better than he can. I have no reason to do that. I need MORE in my relationships, both romantic and friendship regardless. He gives me the support that I need and even though he doesn't always treat me the best, he tries. I would give it up if I only knew that I could find the same intimacy. I would move on to something new and different and perhaps better if I KNEW that I wouldn't be let down. My heart is open. I'm willing. But i'm not being shown enough by anyone.

So, as much as this hurts, this is my goodbye. Unless you can talk to me, let me in and be more open, Treat me the way I deserve to be treated as a friend (and i'll do the same back), and be the person you and I know you are....I'm walking away. I dont want to see you or talk to you until you have given this very serious thought. I won't hang myself out on the line anymore. and I certainly won't let you do the same, because it inevitably gets us both hurt. If i dont see or hear from you, I wish you everything that is good in this world. Because you truely deserve it.

I hope you understand.
Love, Sweetheart.
****************************
Sometimes we think that to develop an open heart, to be truly loving and compassionate, means that we need to be passive, to allow others to abuse us, to smile and let anyone do what they want with us. Yet this is not what is meant by compassion. Quite the contrary. Compassion is not at all weak. It is the strength that arises out of seeing the true nature of suffering in the world. Campassion allows us to bear witness to that suffering; whether it is inourselves or others, without fear; it allows us to name injustic without hesitation, and to act strongly, with all the skill at our disposal. To develope this mind state of compassion...is to learn to live, as the Buddha put it, with sympathy for all living beings, without exception
********************************
Love means honoring the other person's free will. Give if you want to receive only what you give away do you own. In every moment we are either helping or hurting. Every crisis is an opportunit for a breakthrough. Personal alchemy: sometimes a weakness can become a strength.
*******************************

Who am I? Where am I going? What do I want? What is best for me?

And the winning question?!: how do I get there?
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Saturday I was upset. Sunday I was a mess. Monday (today) a wreck. Barely able to fuction at work. Playing phone tag with my therapist inbetween her sessions and my business at work. After finally meeting ends with her, I find her advice something to think about (as I suppose I should given that I pay her for such advice). She said "sarah, we need to discuss why you define yourself by others"....I'm not sure i've ever really thought of it that way. I've been told i'm overly selfless. I've been told that i'm too caring. That my open heart and considertion for others usually just gets me crushed. I've had others blame me for things, even call me a nosey bitch or selfish. I can handle that too. But I guess i've never really thought of myself as being defined by other people. I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around the idea.

I have always had issues with dissappointing people, which I believe stems from my upbringing. Always being afraid of letting down my parents in school or something. I cannot, for the life of me, actually make a choice that will hurt someone.....I simply just refuse to make it. Which is why I am in the situation I am...I fully admit this is all my fault. Which maybe makes it all that much worse. I refuse to hurt Jordan by breaking up with him and I refuse to hurt Steve by ending our friendship/whatever it is. I have no idea, at this point, what I want or whats best for me. Jordan and I's relationship is rocky to say at best. Things have been better lately, and maybe they will stay that way. I have no idea where Steve is at...he won't open up to me; he never has which was one of our biggest problems. You would think that you could just open up to someone you say you love....that you would WANT to talk to them-- let them know how you really feel. I feel stuck. Like what I really should do is just leave everyone and start over. I really don't feel like i'm any good to anyone. If I was alone, just me, would I be able to think? Would things be better? Would I feel less underwater? I feel like I would be responsible for me and only me...I don't have to worry about my actions directly effecting someone else. Although, in reality we have to remember that every action has a reaction...so technically I would probably be causing some sort of negative emotion in someone. *sigh*

Maybe that is the real thing I need to come to terms with...that no matter what I do in any given situation; whether I wake up, breathe, take a step, speak a word; I will hurt someone because it won't agree with their opinion. Even the thought of that makes me hyperventilate....If I could make a world of pleasing people I would. If I could make a world where everything I did made everyone happy and satisfied, I would. What happened to the girl that didn't give two rats asses what people thought of her? I was constantly honest, bluntly so (which I don't really think has changed if you get me in the right circumstances). I have no problem being honest with people and telling them what I think or feel. The problem is I can't make a decision if it might seriously hurt someone. I can't pick a direction to go, or a goal to achieve or obtain a job without the dirty little voice in my head telling me that it might dissappoint. Somehow, somewhere along the way, I feel like I lost a part of myself. I become timid and withdrawn. Maybe from too many times getting hurt?  I think a big part of me not wanting to break up with Jordan again is that it would be me doing it...that it would make me the failure again... I know that sounds horrible but a part of me really does feel that way. There are days between us that are great, we are that power couple we always used to be. But it's the other days that make me want to turn, walk away and forget it all. Something is just telling me to hold on.....maybe i'm just waiting for someone to show me something. Maybe i'm waiting for Jordan to do all those things he promised. Maybe i'm waiting for Steve to finally open up to me and give me a REAL reason to leave where I am. Maybe i'm waiting for them to both hurt me so bad that I literally do just pack up and walk away from everything and not look back.

My problem with Steve is that it still feels like he is in the same place he was. Yes, he has a job and is making money and everything, but it's the fact that he still can't open up to me. He can't talk to me; tell me how he feels. He just ignores everything or says that his head is too full to put it into words. But every time I try to get him to sort it out and talk to me he makes a half ass attempt and when it starts to get tough he just ignores it... It's so very frustrating. Because i'm desperate to know whats going on. The way he leaves things, or the way he reacts to things hurts me worse than if he would just SAY something. If he would just explain himself. Instead I get rejected, ignored, stranded, and what feels like forgetten. It feels like he wants me to leave Jordan and everything i've worked so hard for in this relationship to go back to him. To go back to what? being froze out? I can't be in a relationship where everything seems fun and games, and all the problems get ignored. When all the thoughts get hidden and pushed away. I need more than that...any relationship needs more than that. If he isn't careful he is going to end up like one of my other friends who got rejected when he was younger by his highschool love....he never has recovered and he is in his 30's. He is an amazing guy with all this love and emotion to give but he is too afraid to let it out. I would hate to see Steve go through relationship after relationship and never be able to open up to make one last.

It's funny....after all the hurt and pain i've been through in the last 48 hours, i'm still wanting to help other people. I'm more concerned with them than I am of the hurt they dealt to me. I've gone from completely crushed because of the way i've been treated: left behind, ignored, abused and rejected; to being more concerned about others. I literally feel better when I think of other people and not myself....like it gives me a project. Something to focus on, makes me feel a little bit of joy. I should quit. I should stop. I should let it go and forget it. I should hold to the hurt and anger. I should latch on to that feeling of being slapped in the face. I should......let people go. But I can't do it.i'm an addict. Something has got to be pathologically wrong with me.

One day i'm going to stop making the effort. One day i'm going to stop hoping. One day i'm going to stop everything. I'll stop getting excited...i'll stop trying to include people in my life. I'll end up forgetting what my smile looks like. I'll ponder the sound of what my laugh sounded like.Because really, when I look at everything, if I didn't put the effort in, get my hopes up, or raise my expectations....I would never be let down. Everytime this happens, I say to myself "when are you going to learn"...maybe this time just put the topper on the misery cake.

I told Jordan yesterday when none of our friends showed up for our party (except for Erin, Brcye and our neighbor Joe), that if it hadn't been for him, I probably would have committed suicide by now. He just looked at me like he didnt believe me. But that is the sad part (yes mother, go ahead and freak out now), is that I was telling the truth. I dont see or hear from my best friends anymore no matter how much I try to contact them, my 'friends' here are not dependable (they never show up and barely check in on me or want to know about anything unless it's for their own benefit), my sister has her own new life and never texts me back...the only people I think would actually really care (and not recover eventually) are my parents. Jordan would eventually move on. Erin would busy herself with work and bryce. Holly and Sam would be hurt but eventually go back to school, work, and their significant others. Steve would be sad but again, he would move on eventually. My parents, grandparents and aunt would be hurt the most and probablynever fully recover....and most days that is all I have to hold on to.  Everyone would wonder what happened, and how she got that far. People that I knew in high school would probably attend my funeral just on the fact that they knew me then....but they dont now. The me now doesn't know how to handle this.... Because sometimes I just really need my friends. It doesn't matter how insignifcant the event I invite them to. It doesn't matter how many times i've been there for other people. Just once I want someone to return the favor. Just once I want one of my friends to just SHOW UP. To put themselves aside and just show up for ME. To show that they actually care.

Ben told me the other night that he really did love me, that i've helped him through a lot of though stuff. And I almost cried right there in the bar. I felt like for once someone actually saw me...and the effort I put in. And then Steve said they were more than likely coming to the party....and I got excited because my friends were going to show! ....they never came. They found something better to do. I know a Halloween party sounds stupid, that it's not as fun as going to the bar or freakfest or whatever. But I go out to the bonfires. I go out discin. I go out to the bar. I go out wherever and whenever I can. I make the effort to be in their lives. My friends have never showed to one thing I asked...steve showed up for dinner a couple weeks ago when sam was here. Angela and Chad were my only friends at my dance show....which was the end of my dance career...a major life event for me. Any of the get togethers I have at my place...noone shows. It's a good thing I didn't have the remodling party, because it would have just been me.

I think the worst part is noone even sees it...or if they do they don't care. They just get all self-defensive and turn the attention back on them. They dont see how i've always been there for them, they dont see I always pick up the phone, they don't see how I drive anywhere at any time of the night or day for them, they don't see how I put everyone else before myself. I'm trying really hard to put myself back together. I'm trying really hard to just put myself first, to care more about myself, to just try and take my life back. But it's hard to put yourself back together when it feels like very few actually care if your broken to begin with.  

It's raining...and cold and windy. Perfect day to hide.